I have Internet sources to back me up...
Worst Halloween Candy Countdown, No. 1: Mounds and Almond Joy
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you feel like ruining a child's life.
Coconut falls into that category of foods people either adore or hate, right there with olives, mushrooms and hogshead cheese. These borderline foods should be avoided in gifting situations, especially when there are so many other options that aren't potentially offensive and heartbreaking.
Rewind to 1977, and watch the chubby five-year-old in a homemade clown costume sob on a front porch after being given a fun-size Mounds as a Halloween treat.
"Why do they hate me?" the child wonders. Surely a grown-up wouldn't give something so vile as Coppertone-flavored mealy paste to a child, unless that child was a bad person, right?
It's one thing to give a bad treat to a kid who might t.p. your house. It's another entirely to give something so contentious that it has the power to make a child question her worth as a human being.
In ten years, you don't have to worry about this child toilet papering your house; you have to worry about her murdering you while you sleep because you destroyed her trust in a good and kind humanity.
Couldn't you have just bought the ******* peanut butter cups and left well enough alone? Halloween isn't the time to get all exotic. Save that **** for New Year's Eve, after you've shooed the kiddos off to bed.
Yesterday, Gut Check visited Dierbergs to see if Mounds and Almond Joy are still sold in Hefty-sized bags for Halloween convenience.We haven't paid much attention to them as adults, pretending the awful, flaky gaggers are available only in adult-sized portions, sold from a special counter with other horrible products like cigarettes and Goldschläger. But there they were, little Almond Joys in giant bags. Even worse, Almond Joys coupled with treat-sized packets of Whoppers, tainting perfectly good malted milk balls with coconut stank.
There were no Mounds. Hope for humanity lingers.
Check out the rest of our Best and Worst Halloween Candy Countdown.