Parental/coaching advice: How to motivate?

[Tyrus]

Hey, all. I've got a problem I've been struggling with, and I thought I'd seek help here, since it's rumored that bits of wisdom sometimes find their way onto this message board! :grin:

Here's my problem: My 10-year-old son insists he enjoys being on his 5th grade JV basketball team, but when he's on the court, he just doesn't appear to be trying.

Part of this can be attributed to the fact that he's never played basketball before in his life. And the sport isn't really watched in our house, other than an occasional Piston game. So I'm well aware that he may appear tentative because he isn't familiar with the sport.

But I think it goes beyond that. I was at his practice the other day for the first time (parents often attend practice, but this was the first chance I had to go), and during the mini-games, I was amazed at how lethargic my son looked. He's perfectly healthy, but he just appeared to be uninterested.

On defense, he wouldn't even raise his arms to try to contest shots; he just stood there. And although he towered over the kid who was guarding him, the smaller kid got almost every rebound. Unless the ball fell right into my son's hands, he wouldn't go after it -- or he would make a half-hearted attempt to get the ball.

He did run as hard as he could to each end of the floor, but once he got there, he simply stood in one place and didn't do anything, despite his coach's repeated instructions. He's been on the team for nearly two months, so he should have been able to carry out his coach's directives. It's not like he was telling him to do anything too complicated: just things like, "get those hands up on defense." But nothing.

Afterward, when I admonished my son for not trying, he got frustrated and told me that he IS trying. I asked him if he wanted to be on the team, and he insisted that he did.

Now, I'm honestly not one of those jerk fathers who pushes his kid to WIN, WIN, WIN!!! The only thing I ever tell my son when it comes to playing sports is: "Try your best and have fun."

But he just doesn't seem to be trying his best. Another factor to consider is that my son is extremely big for his age (tall and wiry -- the perfect pitcher's build :happy: ), but he is still growing into his body, and he's quite gangly: all arms and legs. So it sometimes looks like he's running in quicksand.

But that shouldn't prevent him from raising his arms to try to contest a shot while playing defense. And even the coach told him: "There's no reason a kid a full foot shorter than you should be getting all the rebounds."

I get the feeling he's afraid to compete. While he isn't overly shy, I think he's a bit self-conscious about really letting himself go, and playing the game with abandon. So when there's a loose ball or a rebound, he seems to shy away from the competition.

By the way, my son plays baseball and, other than hitting, he seems lethargic in that sport as well. He just doesn't seem to have the same pep in his step as the other kids.

How do you motivate a 10-year-old kid to hustle, and compete? Or am I erring by even trying to correct this behavior? Part of me says if my son wants to sign up for a sports team but not play with white-hot intensity, then who am I to complain, as long as he's enjoying himself? Part of me feels like I'm being one of those "sports dads," trying to push my unrealized dreams onto him.

But another part of me thinks I'm being entirely reasonable. I'm a firm believer in the adage, "if you're going to do something, do it right." And I don't care if my son wins, loses or draws -- but I want him to at least try his best. I don't think that's being an overbearing sports father.

What do you think? Can you think of anything I can do that will light a fire under his butt? Or should I even be trying? Thanks in advance...

[Oblong]

My seven year old is the same way and I just attributed it to being six or seven. He's now playing basketball for the first time. What I've tried doing is to tell him to emulate the best kid on the team. Watch what he/she does. If your son is still interested and not just doing it because he thinks you want him to then he'll come around. It clicks at different times for different kids.

[Tyrus]

I know what you mean, Oblong. But I look at the other kids his age, and they just seem to be hustling more. I dunno...I'm sure it'll work itself out. I do tend to worry too much.

[Mr.MelissaG915]

No kids so no authority, but here is my 2 cents.

1. Time for some father son time on the driveway playing one-on-one
2. What motivates him? Maybe 10 rebounds = PS3 Game
3. Is he having fun? Maybe old Jordan / Johnson videos to show him the "fun" part
4. Does he CLEARLY understand the coaches direction? Put your hands up is different than, get the ball away from the offense without causing a foul. Don't 10 year olds need SPECIFIC directions?

Good Luck!

[Oblong]

My problem is that while it's great to live across from a park, it's a downside because the park is always there. I want to go kick the ball around or play catch and he wants to play in the play area. I don't want to make sports a job.

I wish I still played because I do think that goes a long way to helping them. Kids emulate their parents.

[cruzer1]

I would suggest taping him with a camcorder, and let him watch himself in action. Then pick out someone who is really hustling and show him that. Don't show anybody else, but let him see the difference.

[One Man's Fool]

It may be that he wants to be on the team because he feels that will give him a degree of social status, but actually being an athlete is really not his bag.

[DaYooperASBDT]

Tough question. I'm not a parent, but I would be concerned about pushing him too hard at that age. A big motivation at that stage is having fun, and you could easily turn him off to basketball if the communication is negative.

One poster mentioned positive reinforcement - I'd reward and praise any incremental steps toward the proper defensive fundamentals. Different styles work better for different kids of course, but if a coach or parent just hollers "Get your arms up!", I'm not sure that's going to be effective. I'd be personally more comfortable with the "soft sell", at that age.

Of course, within a couple of years, you are going to turn into a blithering idiot, in his mind, so now's your chance to make a postive impact! :wink:

Another thought - at that age I had a lot of issues with awareness of my surroundings, and processing complex information quickly during game situations. So he could certainly just grow out of it, and develop more of a "mental feel" for the game. I definitely was a "late bloomer" when it came to any athletic contest.

[djhutch]

Boys don't only join sports because they're good at it. It could be he's showing off for a girl. His friends are on the team & he wants to belong. Or maybe he just enjoys doing it & he doesn't care if he's good or not.

If he wants to play ball, let him play. He's 10, so it's not a career choice at this point. My advice is ask him if he's enjoying it. Ask him what he's learned. When you watch a game, point out things & see if he seems interested. Shoot some hoops with him. I know it can be frustrating as a dad to watch a game that your son/daughter is playing in and watch them struggle. The important thing is to stay involved. & find opportunities to steer him toward things that you see he's gifted in.

[whitecapwendy]

Not a parent, but does a former teacher count? I say positive reinforcement. If you keep bringing up his lack of athleticism, he is going to get discouraged, not motivated. I would say, don't bring up the "lack" in his game, he likely gets enough of that from his coach. You just be his biggest fan and cheer him on when he does something good. (don't notice when he blows it or lacks motivation). He wants you to cheer him on, not to chew him out. If he eventually wants help/coaching from you, he will ask for it. At this point, he needs a fan who loves watching him in the game--even if he is not the greatest athlete.

[Corky]

Not all are into the same sports, or even sports at all. I wrested and played baseball in college. B the time they got to HS all 5 of our kids had gotten into tennis and loved that, although one of the girls stuck with volleyball all the way through. I could never understand it.

I currently have a third grade students whose dad is a HS basketball coach near here and is a 6'-10" former college player. His mom is 6'-3" and played hoops in college also. My student stands a good head taller than all others in his class. Very little interest in basketball but he loves baseball and art.

[DaYooperASBDT]

I currently have a third grade students whose dad is a HS basketball coach near here and is a 6'-10" former college player. His mom is 6'-3" and played hoops in college also. My student stands a good head taller than all others in his class. Very little interest in basketball but he loves baseball and art.The next Andrew Miller !! Sign him now, dammit !!!!

[Lousluggage]

Question: Is your son at the 'evasive' stage yet? You know, the stage where any question or set of questions is considered intrusive? It used to drive me nuts when my mom used to ask me every little detail about an event.

Maybe if you ask him more general questions, such as "how was your day?" it might be a better way of getting to open up about the more specific "Do you like basketball practice? If you do, then why do you seem to not enjoy it?"

I agree with a couple of the others. He might be playing it because he likes being with his teammates, rather than because he likes the sport.

[Biff Mayhem]

http://defensereview.com/1_31_2004/Taser%20X26_1.jpg

[Tyrus]

That'll definitely get him going, Biff.

Reminds me of an old Cheech and Chong album, about a kid who just wasn't learning how to play "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" on the piano. His teacher, a guy named Moog, finally gets out a pistol, shoots it up in the air, and tells the kid, "now -- the next one's going through your kneecap!"

Needless to say, the kid nails "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" on his next try.

Seriously, I appreciate all the opinions offered.

[wingedwheel]

I've taught 5th graders for the last 13 years and coached that age level in flag football, soccer, softball, track, and basketball. In my experience, some kids want to play because they love the sport. Others play because they love the uniform. Some play because they want to hang out with their friends. Others play because they want to make their parents happy.

My advice would be to find out from him what his reason is for playing ball. The other thing to keep in mind is that kids that age are usually not very self-confident about their athletic ability because they don't fully understand the game. I would give him time. He has a few years in order to improve, or decide that he has tried it, and it just isn't for him.

[Baseknock]

I have three grown children, and all of them played sports growing up. I, also, have coached both baseball and basketball for many years. I have coached a number of kids that have acted very similar to your son.

It may be that he wants to be on the team because he feels that will give him a degree of social status, but actually being an athlete is really not his bag.

I agree with Dan. More than likely he wants to be part of the team for the social acceptance more than being competitive. Furthermore, if he is as awkward as you say, he may feel it is better to seem like he is just standing around going through the motions rather than to be aggressive and possibly embarrass himself. As he grows into his body the aggressive nature may develop as well. For now, as long as he wants to participate, all you can do is encourage him to do his best.

[DaYooperASBDT]

Personally, I feel participation is more important than performance. That being said, try this !!

http://yellowj.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/kick-butt.gif

[monkeytargets37]

I would guess that perhaps he's afraid of something.....perhaps he doesnt like the coach or some of his teammates. Thats part of why I stopped playing basketball after I was 10 or 11.

I was pretty short, and not especially a good player....pretty much all I could do is run fast and shoot well. The coaches I had were good, but didnt really connect with me. Not ever letting me start a game (and this is youth, where winning and losing really REALLY doesnt matter) or keeping me in the game for an entire quarter didnt exactly make me want to try hard or make me feel confident at all. And then there were times in the game when I'd be wide open and my teammates wouldnt pass to me or involve me in the game unless absolutely necessary.

That didnt really bother me that much because I liked baseball and soccer a lot more and I was much better at it. My point being that he probably just needs to play ball with you and maybe some of his other close friends so he can enjoy playing, get better AND be told that he is good.

You dont want to be one of those fathers who is constantly forcing his kids to play something they arent interested in, but if he really is interested in playing, then you should take the extra steps to make sure that his love of the game doesnt fade away simply because he isnt good at it. Going up to him after a game or a practice and criticizing his effort probably wont help. I'd suggest just reinforcing the things he does well, and then after he's feeling good about himself, then go into ways he can improve other parts of his game. Kids will be a lot more responsive to criticism if they arent feeling like they are being backed against a wall with that criticism.

[ToledoTigerFan]

Marfan's Syndrome? I don't mean that flippantly, but if he's "extremely big for his age (tall and wiry)", that is always a remote possibility. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor and have never played one on TV. Basically, I'm just pulling something out of thin air.

[Blue Square Thing]

Marfan's Syndrome? I don't mean that flippantly, but if he's "extremely big for his age (tall and wiry)", that is always a remote possibility. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor and have never played one on TV. Basically, I'm just pulling something out of thin air.

I've taught kids with Marfans. I'd be surprised if it hadn't been diagnosed by 10 to be honest.

[Baseknock]

Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor and have never played one on TV.

Yes, but did you sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night? :classic:

[treyKemper]

...if he is as awkward as you say, he may feel it is better to seem like he is just standing around going through the motions rather than to be aggressive and possibly embarrass himself. As he grows into his body the aggressive nature may develop as well. For now, as long as he wants to participate, all you can do is encourage him to do his best.

I agree with this, having dealt with a tall-er kid in grade school (he's now 15 and 6'2"). He was acting "too cool" to put out effort on the b-ball court most of his first year. It only took a solid 5 minutes of a game where he put up like 10 points and pretty soon he was letting his geek flag fly - running all over the place and putting out a good effort. I think he finally realized it was better to look awkward at moments if you were talking about steals, stuffs and points rather than trying not to be noticed and talking about getting burnt and missing opportunities.

[ToledoTigerFan]

Yes, but did you sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night? :classic:

Not exactly a Holiday Inn. I left before sunrise and my date was still there amid a pile of empty whiskey bottles and assorted pills. Damn escort service.

[ToledoTigerFan]

I've taught kids with Marfans. I'd be surprised if it hadn't been diagnosed by 10 to be honest.

There was some dude that played basketball at the University of Toledo who wasn't diagnosed with Marfan's until the autopsy. When he was 30-something.

[slim pickens]

Sit down and watch alot of Pistons games with him. Explain what just happened and why. Get excited on a good play, high 5 him, get him all excited. Become more involved with him in basketball. If it is something you like and enjoy, and he sees you having fun at the same time, his interest will go up as well as his level of play.

[shabba4detroit]

Hey, all. I've got a problem I've been struggling with, and I thought I'd seek help here, since it's rumored that bits of wisdom sometimes find their way onto this message board! :grin:

Here's my problem: My 10-year-old son insists he enjoys being on his 5th grade JV basketball team, but when he's on the court, he just doesn't appear to be trying.

Part of this can be attributed to the fact that he's never played basketball before in his life. And the sport isn't really watched in our house, other than an occasional Piston game. So I'm well aware that he may appear tentative because he isn't familiar with the sport.

But I think it goes beyond that. I was at his practice the other day for the first time (parents often attend practice, but this was the first chance I had to go), and during the mini-games, I was amazed at how lethargic my son looked. He's perfectly healthy, but he just appeared to be uninterested.

On defense, he wouldn't even raise his arms to try to contest shots; he just stood there. And although he towered over the kid who was guarding him, the smaller kid got almost every rebound. Unless the ball fell right into my son's hands, he wouldn't go after it -- or he would make a half-hearted attempt to get the ball.

He did run as hard as he could to each end of the floor, but once he got there, he simply stood in one place and didn't do anything, despite his coach's repeated instructions. He's been on the team for nearly two months, so he should have been able to carry out his coach's directives. It's not like he was telling him to do anything too complicated: just things like, "get those hands up on defense." But nothing.

Afterward, when I admonished my son for not trying, he got frustrated and told me that he IS trying. I asked him if he wanted to be on the team, and he insisted that he did.

Now, I'm honestly not one of those jerk fathers who pushes his kid to WIN, WIN, WIN!!! The only thing I ever tell my son when it comes to playing sports is: "Try your best and have fun."

But he just doesn't seem to be trying his best. Another factor to consider is that my son is extremely big for his age (tall and wiry -- the perfect pitcher's build :happy: ), but he is still growing into his body, and he's quite gangly: all arms and legs. So it sometimes looks like he's running in quicksand.

But that shouldn't prevent him from raising his arms to try to contest a shot while playing defense. And even the coach told him: "There's no reason a kid a full foot shorter than you should be getting all the rebounds."

I get the feeling he's afraid to compete. While he isn't overly shy, I think he's a bit self-conscious about really letting himself go, and playing the game with abandon. So when there's a loose ball or a rebound, he seems to shy away from the competition.

By the way, my son plays baseball and, other than hitting, he seems lethargic in that sport as well. He just doesn't seem to have the same pep in his step as the other kids.

How do you motivate a 10-year-old kid to hustle, and compete? Or am I erring by even trying to correct this behavior? Part of me says if my son wants to sign up for a sports team but not play with white-hot intensity, then who am I to complain, as long as he's enjoying himself? Part of me feels like I'm being one of those "sports dads," trying to push my unrealized dreams onto him.

But another part of me thinks I'm being entirely reasonable. I'm a firm believer in the adage, "if you're going to do something, do it right." And I don't care if my son wins, loses or draws -- but I want him to at least try his best. I don't think that's being an overbearing sports father.

What do you think? Can you think of anything I can do that will light a fire under his butt? Or should I even be trying? Thanks in advance...



My first question would be: Is he healthy? Rule out things like anemia, diabetes and other health concerns. It might be ADD, he may not be able to stay focused to do a string of tasks.

My second would be: Does he really like sports? Is he playing because he enjoys to play or because he's trying to please you? Does he have other interests and talents that aren't sports that he does show some intensity in?

And my third would be: Have you talked to his coach? Maybe he has some insight ... he would likely be more objective than you in determining whether he's not playing at the intensity level he should, or if your expectations are too high. And he may have some helpful suggestions.


Cal Ripken wrote a book. It was called "Parenting your Young Athlete the Ripken Way" or something self-promoting like that. I found it to be rather useful as a parent of a young athlete myself. It's a fairly easy read, and probably at the bookstore or the library.

[ToledoTigerFan]

Another thing to consider is maybe he just doesn't like competing. Maybe his interests are more scholarly and he finds sports boring. Don't force him to become an athlete because you would like him to be athletic.

[lionstigersand...]

World needs these people too:

http://www.floridahomeloan.com/uploaded_images/hot-dog-747171.gif



I currently have a third grade students whose dad is a HS basketball coach near here and is a 6'-10" former college player. His mom is 6'-3" and played hoops in college also. My student stands a good head taller than all others in his class. Very little interest in basketball but he loves baseball and art.


Huh...The next Mike Piazza...:wink: