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MotownWebGuy
06-24-2005, 11:05 AM
The Jester's Quart: The 100 Greatest Sports Movie Quotes
Greg Wyshynski | Columnist
Friday, June 24, 2005

The American Film Institute recently released another in its seemingly endless "Top 100" lists (i.e. "100 Movies That Didn't Star Either Michael Caine or Gene Hackman"; "100 Movies With a Cop Who Refused To Do Things By the Book"), this time focusing on "100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All-Time."

As usual, there were some simply awful decisions. "You can't handle the truth!" doesn't crack the Top 20, but "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is No. 13? And "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast" is No. 84, while "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars" is No. 46?

The good news is that sports movies - usually the National Hockey League of these cinematic countdowns - had seven films selected, including "Jerry Maguire's" "Show me the money!" at No. 25.

I think the films AFI selected represent sports quite well: "Maguire," "The Pride of the Yankees," "Field of Dreams," "A League of Their Own," "Rocky," Knute Rockne: All-American," and, of course, "Caddyshack."

But how would these quotes stack up against their own kind?

Before I present my list of the "100 Greatest Sports Movie Quotes," let's address what I feel is the most important issue in compiling this list (besides the fact I tried to keep this thing rated PG-13).

It's called "The Spackler Factor."

Obviously, "Caddyshack" is the most quotable sports movie - and in some circles, movie in general - ever released. This list could have been an abridged version of the screenplay. As it stands, I tried to be fair and only include the "Shack" quotes that I use and hear used most often. Is anything that leaves Ty Webb's mouth a more memorable quote than anything in, say, "Chariots of Fire?"

Sure…but you don't see the AFI quoting "Star Wars" 100 times do you? Because it sure as hell could have.

And another thing: "On the Waterfront" is a great, great, great movie. But it's not a sports movie. Too bad…it coulda been a contender…

So with that in mind, and through the miracle of IMDB.com, here are the:

100 GREATEST SPORTS MOVIE QUOTES

100. Let them play! Let them play!
THE BAD NEWS BEARS IN BREAKING TRAINING
1977

99. You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
KINGPIN
1996

98. How's your wife and my kids?
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

97. Dwayne, you can get through college half-assed. Richard, you can get through life half-assed. But I'll guarantee you boys one thing … sure as hell, I'll guarantee you this: you cannot win half-assed!
BLUE CHIPS
1994

96. That's not Yankee dancing - that's Devil Rays dancin'!
FEVER PITCH
2005

95. Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
HAPPY GILMOUR
1996

94. I'm expectin' a guest, and his name is Mr. Jack... Daniels
61*
2001

93. You're a ******* quarterback! You know what that means? It's the top spot, kid. It's the guy who takes the fall. It's the guy everybody's looking at first - the leader of a team - who will support you when they understand you. Who will break their ribs and their noses and their necks for you, because they believe. 'Cause you make them believe. That's a quarterback.
ANY GIVEN SUNDAY
1999

92. The most important thing to remember is to protect your quarterback - me!
THE LONGEST YARD
1974

91. You mean play basketball?
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP
1992

90. Always protect myself.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
2004

89. I ain't doin' it for what people say, Blue. Let's race.
EVERYBODY'S ALL-AMERICAN
1988

88. I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
CADDYSHACK
1980

87. Hey…Dad: you wanna have a catch?
FIELD OF DREAMS
1989

86. You think there are men in this country who ain't seen your bosoms?
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
1992

85. D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996

84. All I'm saying is, there's a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!
BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM
2002

83. I may be dumb, fellas, but I ain't stupid.
EIGHT MEN OUT
1988

82. Being No. 1 is everything. There is no second place. Second sucks.
OVER THE TOP
1987

81. You want to know what I want? I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Bobby Fischer took with him when he disappeared.
SEARCHING FOR BOBY FISHER
1993

80. Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
CADDYSHACK
1980

79. The girl of my dreams lives under my own roof, but she thinks I'm just a kid, a dumb jock, all of which is more or less true. I'm dying, Mr. Tanneran, just like that girl in the poem... only quicker, and with a hard-on.
VISION QUEST
1985

78. I must break you.
ROCKY IV
1985

77. Who you callin' psycho?!
KINGPIN
1996

76. I understand you have underwear up your *** right now, but it beats the hell out of a shattered skull. Think about it.
BRING IT ON
2000

75. You'll get nothing, and like it.
CADDYSHACK
1980

74. While we're young!
CADDYSHACK
1980

73. Ernie: They'll pay you 75 dollars a week.
Kit: We only make 30 at the dairy.
Ernie: Well then, this would be more, wouldn't it?
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
1992

72. Harold: If I can't win, I won't race!
Sybil: If you won't race, you can't win.
CHARIOTS OF FIRE
1981

71. You try the AFL?
PAPER LION
1968

70. Now that's what I call high quality H2O.
THE WATERBOY
1998

69. Eye of the tiger, man.
ROCKY III
1982

68. Willie: Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.
Coach: You may run like Hayes, but you hit like sh-t.
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

67. But if anybody else wants to come with me, this moment will be the ground floor of something real and fun and inspiring and true in this godforsaken business and we will do it together! Who's coming with me besides..."Flipper" here?
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996

66. This is no democracy. It is a dictatorship. I am the law.
REMEMBER THE TITANS
2000

65. You're 5-foot nothin', 100-and-nothin', and you have nearly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football team in the land for 2 years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself.
RUDY
1993

64. The 4 horse! Nobody bets the 4 horse, Trotter. The 4 horse is a joke. They let little kiddies on the 4 horse to have their picture taken.
LET IT RIDE
1989

63. This is my table, man. I own it.
THE HUSTLER
1961

62. John: Is this heaven?
Ray: No, it's Iowa.
FIELD OF DREAMS
1989

61. Ladies, ever have a quarterback sandwich?
NORTH DALLAS FORTY
1979

60. I love black people!
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996

59. I want Champ.
THE CHAMP
1979

58. Whoa. Her *** is all over the place.
DAYS OF THUNDER
1990

57. We will be perfect in every aspect. You drop a pass, you run a mile. You miss a blocking assignment, you run a mile. You make a fumble, I will break my foot off in you John Brown hind parts and then you will run a mile. Perfection.
REMEMBER THE TITANS
2000

56. And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
KINGPIN
1996

55. You know, if my dog were as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.
THE SANDLOT
1993

54. When you pull on that jersey, the name on the front is a hell of a lot more important than the one on the back.
MIRACLE
2004

53. When making a business decision, the only color that matters is green.
HE GOT GAME
1998

52. Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls -- it's more democratic.
BULL DURHAM
1988

51. Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

50. It's called 'incidental punishment after the ball is blown dead.' Remember, any man you tackle gets an elbow, knee, or kick in the mouth.
THE LONGEST YARD
1974

49. You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!
ROCKY
1976

48. Ref: Got my eye on the three of you. You pull one thing, you're out of this game. I run a clean game here. I have any trouble here, I'll suspend ya!
Steve Hanson: I'm tryin' to listen to the f--king song!
SLAP SHOT
1977

47. You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

46. Pool excellence is not about excellent pool.
THE COLOR OF MONEY
1986

45. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY
2004

44. Ali: "Man, without me, you'd just be a mouth and a microphone."
Cosell: "And without me, you'd just be a mouth."
ALI
2001

43. You wanna make it right? Then when you go to Nationals... bring it.
BRING IT ON
2000

42. It's a fumble! FUMBLAYA! Sargie "Fumblina" Wilkerson fumbles the ball!
NECESSARY ROUGHNESS
1991

41. You're excited? Feel these nipples!
BASEketball
1998

40. This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff. Here, I've got pounds of this.
CADDYSHACK
1980

39. Girlie tough ain't enough.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
2004

38. Oh man shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bohemian diet-drinking *** up. Leave me alone!
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP
1992

37. Missit, missit, Nonnan, Noonan, Aaaaah!
CADDYSHACK
1980

36. Up your butt, Jobu.
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

35. When I walked down the street people would've looked and they would've said there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.
THE NATURAL
1984

34. Sweep the leg.
THE KARATE KID
1984

33. Gentlemen, the hopes and dreams of an entire town are riding on your shoulders. You may never matter again in your life as much as you do right now.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
2004

32. Juuuuust a bit outside.
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

31. Dead meat!
ROCKY III
1982

30. Just be the ball.
CADDYSHACK
1980

29. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
TIN CUP
1996

28. Milk are for babies, when you get older you drink beer.
PUMPING IRON
1977

27. It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
CADDYSHACK
1980

26. The horse is too small, the jockey too big, the trainer too old, and I'm too dumb to know the difference.
SEABISCUIT
2003

25. The price is wrong, *****
HAPPY GILMOUR
1996

24. This is national TV. So don't pick your noses or scratch your nuts.
NORTH DALLAS FORTY
1979

23. Ali! Bombaye!
WHEN WE WERE KINGS
1996

22. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball.
FIELD OF DREAMS
1989

21. Larry's not white. Larry's clear.
SPACE JAM
1996

20. Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ***!
THE BAD NEWS BEARS
1976

19. A black man would rather miss than look bad.
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP
1992

18. California penal.
MAJOR LEAGUE
1989

17. License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.
CADDYSHACK
1980

16. This is your time. Their time is done. It's over. I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw 'em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.
MIRACLE
2004

15. I love Brian Piccolo. And tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him.
BRIAN'S SONG
1971

14. You win, you win. You lose, you still win.
RAGING BULL
1980

13. I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.
HOOSIERS
1986

12. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
CADDYSHACK
1980

11. We're puttin' on the foil. Want some?
SLAP SHOT
1977

10. You had me at "hello."
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996

9. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
BULL DURHAM
1988

8. Wax on, wax off.
THE KARATE KID
1984

7. There's no crying in baseball!
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
1992

6. Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.
KNUTE ROCKNE ALL AMERICAN
1940

5. Yo, Adrian!
ROCKY
1976

4. If you build it, he will come.
FIELD OF DREAMS
1989

3. Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES
1942

2. Show me the money!
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996

1. What an incredible Cinderella story, this unknown comes outta no where to lead the pack, at Augusta. He's on his final hole, he's about 455 yards away -- he's gonna hit about a two-iron I think. Oh he got all of that one! The crowd is standing on its feet here, the normally reserved Augusta crowd -- going wild -- for this young Cinderella, he's come outta no where, he's got about 350 yards left, he's gonna hit about a five-iron, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing -- that's -- oh he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that, the crowd is just on its feet here, uh - He's the Cinderella boy, uh - tears in his eyes I guess as he lines up this last shot, he's got about 195 yards left, he's got about a - its looks like he's got about an eight-iron. This crowd has gone deathly silent, the Cinderella story, outta no where, a former greenskeeper now - about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac -- it's in the hole!
CADDYSHACK
1980

Published on the web since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com